right now i am exhausted. it’s *checks the clock* 11:00, which feels like 12:00 to me, i guess, which is late when you’ve been doing the same thing over and over for the past few hours.
i’m at home. again. but by myself this time. yes, i have left my boyfriend all alone at the village. why? it’s sort of complicated. he didn’t do anything wrong. neither did i, i think. i’ve just been feeling pretty agitated lately and i guess i felt it was time to just go home for awhile. i’ve been agitated for various reasons, most of which are silly.
so i got a phone call from mr. williams at james lane allen school where i had that “best interview i’ve been on so far.” i wasn’t really expecting good news, but i was hoping for good news. well, it wasn’t of course. but the thing that really bugged me was that the reason i was given for me not being hired was “we’ve decided to go with someone who has more experience.” 
that’s a big pet peeve of mine. he could have told me he didn’t like the way i smelled, or that he didn’t like my hair, but to say i don’t have enough experience?? how in the world am i supposed to get experience if no one will hire me because i don’t have enough experience?!
anyway, so i’ve been very agitated and i guess i needed to come home and just think about things and relax and chill out with my cat. like i told colin, i don’t really “live” anywhere anymore. i don’t live here at “home” because i’m never here. i technically don’t “live” at the village either even though i’m usually there. it’s just weird and very hard to explain.
so finally yesterday i decided i needed to come home for awhile. so then i cried. then i painted. then i made a big list for colin about why i have been feeling so agitated. ^___^; mostly i just feel bad about leaving him there all alone. it’s like when i told him he needed to go home when he visited me for the first time except this time i left, not him. i mean, what is wrong with me anyway? i missed him for years, and now he’s finally here, and i was sitting right next to him on the couch. but… i was feeling so agitated that i couldn’t really think about all that. i don’t want to miss him but yet i left him?? what’s up with that? ^____^; it’s complicated.
as i was driving home by myself today, i just thought about a lot of things. (well, to be honest, i was singing while i was thinking.) the day i graduated at mcc, i was standing out in the lobby waiting to line up. jamie was talking to me and jessica. jessica had gotten married the day before graduation, and jamie was saying how she got married right out of high school so she never had any time for herself. she was always a daughter, then a wife, then a mother. she said she never just got to live by herself and be just herself. at the time, i just thought she was being her mother-ish, lecture-ish self she is sometimes because she’s older than me and jessica. but now that i think about it, maybe she had a point to a certain degree. i don’t think anyone in the world really wants to live all by themselves. i certainly don’t. but, i was thinking that maybe i need to. for awhile anyway. and…maybe pouncy could come too. i don’t want to miss colin. i don’t want to miss pouncy. i just think maaaybe i need to just be miss ashley the growed up teacher person for awhile. maybe anyway.
so… i’ve been spending the past few hours filling out more application, this time to hopkins county, lyon county, and i finished the one for clark county too. i still have several more to do, but i think i’ve done enough for one day. if…if i were to get hired in hopkins or surrounding county, me and pouncy would have to seek shelter somewhere else by ourselves. but that would mean missing colin all over again, which i don’t like doing. so…i don’t know. i mean, i could still get a job in fayette county. maybe. my mom’s friend lyndee had 11 interviews before she got her first job. still, it just seems so hopeless. and i don’t even know how good the chances are of me getting a job in hopkins county are anymore. i’m guessing with at least 50 applicants around here, most of the jobs must have been filled by now. guess i’ll find out.
it’s late, like i said. i’m tired. i haven’t been sleeping good lately anyway, so i need to be winding up my enchanting evening of filling out applications and signing my name over and over again. i’ll probably have to wake up early to go to the post office to mail all of this stuff. ^___^;; maybe tomorrow i can explain things better.
